Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
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An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I love the smell of relapse in the morning