This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.