problems i need
You Might Also Like
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.