problems i need
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand