Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”![]()
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”