Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Hank is one in a melon.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”