processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
