Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

OKAY DAD

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate