“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You Might Also Like
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.