Proctologist = Analyst
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Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?