Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.