Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

me when i smell free food in the break room

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.