Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Oh my god

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

This makes total sense…

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Bring back the McRib

#merica

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.