proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Just parrot things
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
😂🖐️
