proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.