Proctology is located in A55
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I like crazy people until they notice me
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.