Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things