Proctology is located in A55
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.