Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

💀

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.