Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.