Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

did it work

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…