Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

(Electricians.)

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.