Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Fat chances are my favorite chances

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.