Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son