Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
When I snag the last meatball.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time