Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
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If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
And then there were 4
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.