Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
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Breaking news:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I have a type: disappointing
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
i meant to share this earlier
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question