Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My wife has the worst taste in men.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Covid like
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in