Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*