[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
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only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Admin smashed it 😂
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.