[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?