[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

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Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.


How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do


The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!


[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.


Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats


Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.


HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck


Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration