[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .