producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.