producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student