producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
I didn’t come here to be called names
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
secret recipe
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.