Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.