Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.