Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
The days of good grammer has went
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.