Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
