Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My first child will be named New Folder.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
dutch so unserious
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.