Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
this FaceApp is creepy af
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
💀
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Sorry. Not sorry
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
