Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact