Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

incredible book dedication

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.