Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
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Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !