Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unmatched

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor