Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Breaking news:

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.