Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

who wore it better?

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

my dad when a sex scene comes on

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.