Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

ㅤ

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.