product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words