product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
me and who
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.