product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
yea so i messed up lol
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’