Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

Lucky old June.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese