Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.