[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
craving $300 all of a sudden
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
me watching my own Instagram story
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose