Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.