Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
This is painfully accurate 😅
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
