Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Creative Problem Solving

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.