Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.