Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
