Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again