Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Can confirm.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Love it! 👍😂

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.