Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

58.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?