Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.