Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch