Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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How I’d get arrested…
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
im gay on my mothers side
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
lol
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.