Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
had to make it
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
A ghost story
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Finally, an explanation.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
