[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You Might Also Like
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.