[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]