*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Is this you?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.