*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.