Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here