Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
North and South
