Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
you’re damn right i have
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
