Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
every olympics i turn into this guy
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.