Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back